You do know.

Through one of the hardest times in my life, I found myself thinking a lot. I also found myself avoiding thinking a lot. One of the most powerful days during that period of time was a day when I went for coffee with a friend and her grandpa. We sat down and we started talking about what was going on. At first we talked about the facts; those were the easy things to talk about.

Then her grandpa asked me a question that made me reflect, and woooow, I lost it. It was a question that I didn't want to answer. I didn't want to think about, and I hadn't. So I just replied, "I don't know". Ignoring the emotional mess I was, he pursued another answer from me. I wish I could remember his exact words, but his response was something along the lines of, "I think if you thought about it, you would know." 

He was right. Life is eeeeeasy breezy beautiful when you avoid thinking about things. It's way more comfortable to just do things; to work, to shop, to play, to climb mountains, to eat or to distract your mind and focus on the things in front of you. But I think we're called to do more than that. To think deeper, and harder about things that we're confronted with, instead of accepting them for what they appear to be. You're right, maybe you don't know, and that's okay.. for the moment. But you COULD know, and imagine how many doors you could open by just taking the time to think about it.

An opinion isn't a decision, it's a process. A series of thoughts and experiences that lead to you believing something. I've definitely felt at so many times that I shouldn't share my opinions because I didn't think I had one. I didn't think they were "complete" yet. I didn't want to sound uneducated, naive, or stupid for saying something that I wasn't completely convinced of yet. But I've realized that my opinion is just the point of the process that I'm in at that moment. Of course, it will probably change. Having a blog where I write out my thought processes like this is funny, haha. Because I could go back 2 weeks after I've written a post and want to change it, because I've changed my mind. I want to add something to what I've said, or I want to take something completely out because I don't think the same about it anymore. So that's what I do, I edit my post.

Don't suppress your feelings and ideas. You are unique, and so creative. Challenging yourself is healthy. It's so cliche, but it's how you grow. Make yourself think about things. Make decisions for yourself. There's nothing wrong with aligning your opinions with others, and never be afraid to stand out from everyone else! Be genuine to yourself. Dig deep into expression; you were made for that.

Make Me Lonely

I’ve gone through many seasons in life where I’ve felt lonely. I could be surrounded by people every day in middle school, or high school, and feel alone. What a horrible feeling.

I feel amidst another one of those seasons. I could go through all the people I have and where I feel like our relationships are at. But I won’t bother. Because it’s true, I feel alone. I see people everyday; some days more than others. A lot of days I even spend a majority of my day talking to people.

But I’ve realized that feeling lonely isn’t about the lack of people that you talk to everyday. It stems from the lack of pure relationships you are apart of. Shallow conversation won’t fill your heart. And my heart isn’t full.

I realize that this is mainly my own fault, and I’ll take responsibility for it. I isolate myself from my family; I avoid meeting new meeting, or going to social events. I avoid relationships altogether. And even the relationships I have, I refuse to open up. I don’t share what I’m going through. I’ll listen to everybody else, but I won’t share anything about my own life. It's a horrible trait. It bottles up inside of me, my problems, sorrows, worries, along with everybody else’s that I listen to. Until it becomes too much, and I don’t even know what the matter is anymore; there are too many things.

I think over the years I’ve felt unappreciated. I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party, I promise. But there were so many times when I was younger where I was cut off mid-sentence, or ignored completely while sharing. As a sensitive person to begin with, I began to take those instances to heart. While I’ve never been a ridiculously chatty person, I did slowly begin to share less and less as time went on. It didn't seem worth it to share, when I never felt heard. However, I became a good listener, because I never wanted someone to feel the way I had continuously felt, while they were sharing with me. I never wanted someone to feel like them sharing their struggles, successes, or story with me, was in vain.

I also realize how frustrating it can be on both ends of the relationship to know a person like me. To sit there, and share something so personal, and receive no input, or relation to what you’ve said can be, well, annoying. You want to be able to share your thoughts with someone, and have them share their thoughts back.

Anyway, there’s a song I think about during this season of life. It’s called “Keep Making Me” by the Sidewalk Prophets. Part of the lyrics go,

Make me lonely

So I can be Yours

'Til I want no one

More than You, Lord

'Cause in the darkness

I know You will hold me

Make me lonely

When I first heard this song, I didn’t understand it. Make me broken? Make me empty, and make me lonely? No thank you. Why would I ask God to do that to me?

But I get it now. Because as lonely as you can feel from a lack of human relationships, there is no amount of loneliness that can compare to the feeling of not having a relationship with God. Or WANT one for that matter. I’ve definitely been lacking spiritually. I haven’t been reading my bible, I took a 3-month church hiatus, and I never took time to talk to God. Talk again about avoiding relationships altogether. Make me lonely God, so I can be YOURS. And only Yours. Until I don’t want any other relationship, more than I want a relationship with You. Because I know, that through every dark season in this life, You, and only You, will carry me through it. You are the only perfect one, Jesus.

And with You, I will never be alone.

The Ocean.

I love the way the waves ripple. I love the contrast in colours and textures where the water meets the sky. I love the sound of waves crashing on the rocks and onto themselves. I love the birds that fly through the landscape. I love the silhouette of sailboats that you can see on the horizon. I love the smell of the salt water and fresh air. I love knowing of the creatures that swim and travel beneath the water. I love when the sky starts changing into beautiful colours. I love seeing the sun drop beneath the water. I love standing before something so powerful. I love knowing the creator of it all.

Bellingham, WA

Their Body Is Not Gross.

I just have to put out there that I'm not a health professional, and I really don't know anything about working out or how the human body works. ..But I mean, I think I have the most basic grip on the concepts.

When you start working out, your body will start to change. When you stop working out, your body will change. When you eat healthy, or eat like crap, your body will change. If you have a baby, or get sick, or get in an accident, your body might change. And if none of those things apply to you: as you get older, your body will change. Our bodies are so cool. With time and/or work (or no work), we can change how we look. 

I love all the support that's been going on recently for plus size models, and the "Real Beauty" campaigns. It's great to focus on recognizing the beauty within everyone. ..but people, that means, everyone. Those campaigns aren't meant to say that those "regular" sized people are the most beautiful. They aren't meant to say that if you're skinny, you're overrated. They aren't meant to say that curvy is the most beautiful. Their point is that there is beauty in everyone, and it's okay to be the size that you are. 

I've seen quotes online that put down people who are "skin and bones", while "real men like girls with curves". A person getting called "too skinny", is no more acceptable than a person getting called "too fat". Be happy for you who are and what you have, but don't forget to be happy for them, and what they have.

One other physical judgement I've heard an overwhelming amount of times recently, is calling someone out for being "too muscular". I've seen friends and family look at pictures of heavy weight lifters, and body builders or even a woman with a six pack, and respond with, "gross" or "that's too far" or "they're too big". It makes me really SAD! First, I doubt you would find it okay for someone to call your lack of muscles "gross", so why is it okay for you to pass the same judgment? Secondly, those people have worked so incredibly hard (..most of them anyway) for the changes they have achieved, for their fitness, and for their body, and you think that's gross? I think that attitude is gross. If you don't want to change your body in that way, then don't, you don't have to; but think of the time, dedication, effort, and commitment that those people had to change themselves.

What an amazing thing it is, to be able to change ourselves, but have our beauty remain constant.

my dog, Kai.

So, once a female becomes the owner of a dog AND an iPhone, a lot of pictures begin to take place. Since Instagram unfortunately, can only contain so many of them, I decided to make a blog post dedicated purely to the adorableness of my pet that I've captured the past few months.

So without any further ado, here's my dog, Kai.

SO CUTE. AM I RIGHT? 

If he were a person, 10/10.

This picture cracks me up.

he MELTS my heart.

Like, really.

It's so hard to tell if he actually even likes me, but I freakin LOVE him. I feel much better knowing that these pictures ended up going somewhere. He's too cute to stay hidden! ..(not that I hide hiiiim, just the pictures)

Size without comparison.

You know, being 5'1" (on a good day), I'm reminded constantly of how big I am. How much vertical room I occupy.. Or don't really occupy. All my friends are over 5'5" at least, so I'm usually the "little" one. I honestly don't mind, but I also honestly don't understand why we think that way.

I always start to think about this when I go to the ocean. There's something about staring out at a horizon of seemingly never ending water that makes me feel so small. However when I take a second to look down at my feet, and see the little rocks and sand, it makes me wonder where I fit into it all.

I'm not going to look up all the facts here, but I think we can all agree that the atmosphere goes up a fair ways, followed  by the rest of the solar system, and then whatever else is up there. THAT is tall. Or is it? But nonetheless, when you look at a picture of me next to my 6' friend, standing in front of the ocean with the skies in the background, I don't think it's reasonable to call me the short one, because that one foot between us isn't very significant anymore.

Sometimes though, I don't know how big I'm supposed to feel. I know that my worth isn't dependent on it, and maybe it doesn't even matter. But sometimes I want to know what I am to the existence of life, without comparison. Not compared to my 6' friend, or the ocean, or the galaxies, or the grains of sand. Just me, independent of everything else. How big my mind is, and how far my thoughts reach. Maybe it depends on how much of an impact you make in the world, or in other peoples minds. How is there size without comparison? 

I'm not sure. I'm not trying to be self-centred, or completely single out myself from everyone else. These are just the things I think about, and sometimes all my thoughts just jumble together, and don't make sense, but that's okay.

it's comfortable.

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change."

Change is the only thing that's constant?

It sure doesn't seem that way, anymore at least.

When I was a kid, things were constantly changing, and I had no control over it. I had to move up a grade every year, make friends with new people, new teachers, my parents planned our trips, made something special for dinner every night, and we moved houses obviously without my consent. Nonetheless, change was constant back then. I didn't know what the future held for me, and it wasn't my choice.

Today, I'm working at a fast food place I've been at for 2 years, and I'm in my second year of a two-year degree at university. I probably couldn't find a job I dislike more, and I have no passion for what I'm studying. So why do I do it? Because it's comfortable.

I know that I can get the hours I need, and want at work. I know the people. I know the job like the back of my hand. I know that as long as I show up, I'll be getting money. Money to go towards paying for schooling that I have no interest in. Enough money to get me through what I don't want to be doing, yet not enough money to reassure me that quitting soon is a possibility.

Change doesn't happen until I make the choice now, because there's no one paving the road for me anymore. How easy it is to get stuck in a rut once you become comfortable. Change is scary and unknown. At times it's easy to avoid, and that's exactly what we do. We put up with people and situations that don't treat us right, for way too long, because it's easier than starting new.

So when the pain of working for a company I can't stand, and studying things I don't enjoy becomes too great, then change will happen. Not when my parents push me into a different direction, or when I think new opportunities are going to fall into my lap. When I realize that I'm holding the power to make the changes in my life, that's when change will happen.

disappointment.

frustration. let down. disappointment.

You know when you have high hopes for something, like really high hopes, and things don't go the way you planned? Maybe your computer crashed and you lost your 12 page paper, or your exam date falls on the day of the event you wanted to go to. Or maybe plans fall through, and you don't get to see the people you wish so badly you could.

SO badly you wish you could go back in time and change something. If you had just done that one thing differently, you could save yourself from the disappointment. The feeling of trying to think of every possible way you can change your circumstance, but nothing will work. How much do we all hate that feeling. Disappointment. 

Today that feeling flooded through my heart so fast I felt like I was going to pass out. Should haves, could haves, would haves. I kept thinking of what would have happened if all of it had panned out the way I thought it could have. How great things would have been then.

Driving home from work a song came on that really impacted me, and changed my perspective just a little bit. The lyrics read, "Shout it, go on and scream it from the mountains. Go on and tell it to the masses, That He is God. We will sing out Hallelujah."

He is God. Hallelujah. We have a Saviour, and he's in control of our lives, not us. Jesus has the power to heal our broken hearts and carry our burdens for us, and when these times of disappointment arise, I'll put my trust into Him.

Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge. Psalm 62:8

I'm NOT shoving religion down your throat.

I guess I will start off by stating that I am indeed a Christian. However, I didn't grow up in a Christian home, and I wasn't forced into it. Today I believe what I believe because, well, I believe it! How does one explain why they believe what they believe? To the depths of my heart I just feel truth jumping out and revealing itself right to my face! It's something that doesn't CHANGE. It's constant. I can't control it. My beliefs almost in a sense control me, and yet in a way, i'm okay with that. I'm okay with letting myself believe, and love, and grasp onto what I feel as true, because it gives meaning to this confusing world.

So whether you believe in Jesus Christ, another higher power or evolution, I understand why. I get it! In your heart, your mind, with all that you are and have, you feel truth in what you believe. It seems right. You find peace and meaning to life in your beliefs! 

This is why the topic of religion gets so heated, SO quickly. There are so many ideas, theories, religions, etc. trying to explain life. Don't get me wrong, I BELIEVE in science. Science explains; it gives us numbers and definitions, and brings us closer and closer to the smallest and largest ideas and matter in the universe. It helps us explain what we are and how we work. Science is fact and is a subject that almost can't be denied or debated. But I know that science doesn't satisfy me, and this is where people differ. I want to know why we are. This is where faith takes over. The reason there's a debate about this in the first place is because no one knows! We could aaaaall be wrong, yet our faith is what guides us. However, with over 7 billion people in the world there is bound to be some conflict.

So here's what I really wanted to talk about. The idea of "shoving religion down someones throat". The idea of getting into a conversation with someone who will sit there and tell you that what they believe is what you ought to believe. You're wrong and they're right, so you better just sit down and listen to what they're saying because they're obviously WAY smarter than you are. And you know, you're basically missing out on life itself. That's what I've been told it seems like. But I can tell you right now, that those people talking to you, trying to convince you with all their might that their beliefs are true, are only doing that to help you. I KNOW, it seems ridiculous and the total wrong way to go about it. You may know for a fact that they're wrong, but to them, what they're saying is the truest thing in the world.

I know a boy at my work who I've heard say multiple times that he hates getting religion "shoved down his throat". He grew up in the church, his parents made him go, and as soon as he got old enough, he left and despised all that religion was. Occasionally I like talking to him about what changed in his heart that made him want to turn away from Christianity. After I listen to his answers, he never wants to hear a word I have to say. It aggravates him to hear anything that may "defend" what he argues against. He turns to the "I don't care what you believe just don't try to push anything onto me" statement. 

Why can't we talk about this? Going back to beliefs, I know you believe in something that may be totally different from me. Just like you respect me for believing what I do, I respect you too! I respect that in your life, where you are and what you've experienced has lead you to have the faith that you do, whatever that may be. I want to hear what you believe because I respect you, and I would hope that you would listen to me too. Unless you are on an uneasy ledge of converting to a different faith that you are trying to avoid (which I doubt many people are), what's the big deal in hearing someone out? Either it can change your life in ways you couldn't thank someone enough for, or you brush it off the second they're done talking. Either way there isn't harm in just listening, engaging in conversation, offering opinion, or sharing your beliefs. 

So no, nobody is "shoving religion down your throat", and only you have the power to allow yourself to feel that way. People are sharing the truth in their lives with you. Be open and honest and share the truth in your life with someone else, whatever it may be, because what you have to offer is huge.

crooked teeth.. Braces... BEAUTIFUL! :D

All my life I've kind of been not self conscious.. but maybe very "self-aware" of my teeth. I mean, they're just big, hahaha, kind of obvious. I have big teeth. However with them being slightly crooked and whatnot they just didn't do much to "enhance" my face and appearance, and I really wanted to change that.

Here's me in 2007 or 2008 probably.. awkward.

weird expression I know, :P But it's a good one to see how my teeth used to look.

morning before braces! :O

 

 So around December of 2009, I asked my parents If I could get braces, and in January of 2010 they booked my first appointment for February. I got spacers at that appointment, and surprisingly, that was the most PAINFUL part of the whole experience. But on March.17/2010.. I think it was the 17th.. or maybe the 18th.. or 19th. Anyways, that was the day I went in and got my braces on! It felt a little weird at first because when I talked It wasn't as easy to get my lips back over my teeth, but as the months went on it was all fine and I got completely used to it.

First day of braces.

Weirdly enough, I didn't have to use wax after the first couple days until the final couple months over a year later. All of a sudden my braces were cutting into my bottom gums SO bad. Every time I chewed, talked, or even smiled, It would gash open the deep cut in my gums and cause them to bleed like crazy. Yeah, not fun when you're in the middle of a conversation. The worst part about that though was brushing my teeth would bring me to tears because the coldness of the toothpaste and the rough toothbrush would hurt soo badly against those cut gums.

I also had to use elastics a lot of the time. I'm not sure the exact time, but probably about 5 months in I had to wear elastics. At first they weren't that bad. I had to wear them from my front top jaw to my back lower jaw. However for the last 4ish months I had to wear triangles right in the front... which really sucked because they were super noticable, and they made it hard to eat!

Here's the front to back elastics. They weren't so bad.

Here's the triangle elastics. Aren't they awful?! loool

Other things I remember is having little springs which I got pretty early on. Hahahah something kind of stupid I did was I would take bobby pins, and attach them to the very front top wire in between the two brackets and it would just hang there. LOL I wish I took a picture of it! Thankfully, I never damaged any part of my braces though, which I definitely thought I would do at some point.

Finally after 15 months that went by surprisingly quickly, I was able to get my braces off on June 17th 2011. My last day of school too, so nobody even has seen them yet except for the few people from exams! It hurt when she clipped them off, I didn't realize what she was doing when she clipped them, but when she stopped for a sec, I felt my teeth and there was NOTHING THERE! She scraped off all the glue, let me brush, then glued in the retainers and I was good to go! :) It took about an hour and a half though.. long time but worth it. Some people say It only feels cool the first time you lick your teeth after your braces come off, but for me, I was in shock that whole week! lol, they were SO smooth and lovely.

lat day of braces!

FIRST DAY WITHOUT THEM!

haha, this is always an exciting moment when you don't need to grab a knife when you want an apple.

 And that's pretty much a wrap. I hope everyone knows that I am EXTREMELY thankful to have been given the opportunity to get braces. I know they're expensive and not a lot of people are able to get them. I feel very privileged to have had them and feel very blessed. Thanks again parents :D ♥

TIE-DYE

Okay, first I just have to say that those two little words are such a pain in the buuuuuuutttt to spell. Tie-die, tye-dye, tye-die... really? I got this idea that I NEEDED to try tie-dyeing at around the end of May when I made a little summer to-do list. So for the past two and a half weeks I've been telling my parents I have to get a kit!.. and so me and pops searched seriously, all over town and no kits ANYWHERE. Have I mentioned my town is a bit of a fail? So finally on Sunday.. yesterday, me and my mom drove to the next town over and we got lots of fun shtuf :D

12 COLOURS. RADICAL.

Sooo. I set everything up and figured it couldn't be that hard. I mean, I'm a fairly artistic person.. and I was pretty confident I had this project in the bag. So I set up all the stuff. It even came with this big tarp thing which I didn't understand why it was so big. I figured I'd use a quarter of it, MAYBE.

 Well I was out on the deck in the hotness for a couple hours getting all 3 of my white shirts done, as well as 2 pairs of socks. To be honest, I thought it was going to turn out to be a COMPLETE fail. All the colours were smushed together and it looked like a big, black, wet, icky situation. But I wrapped them up anyway and then I came back to the deck and saw this...

          Yeah, I said my famous line when I saw it too.. "oh my goodness".
lol it was scary! But thankfully it was a pretty easy cleanup. Considering almost all the dye stayed on the tarp, all I had to do was roll it up and put it in a bag. But then there was still some dye on the deck, and I had one of those 'uh oh' moments, what if it doesn't come off? But it did :)


 And then I came inside and spent
half an hour trying to deal with this.

Yeah, stupid dye got ALL over me! So I got most of the purple and pink off, but now I look like an avatar. I guess I'll have some explaining to do at guitar tomorrow.. so uh, tip: wear gloves that don't get holes in them, and when you think "it'll come off, no biggie", remember you're wrong.

AND FINALLY! at 11:30 tonight I decided to rinse them out, and you know what? They looked AWESOME. Way better than I expected. hahaha, I think this activity is pretty much fool proof. So if you're debating whether or not to do it, DO IT! because it's super fun to do on a nice day and you get some stinkin sweet shirts out of it.  You'll be obsessed just like me and want to tie-dye everything :)




         

10/10/10

Oh my goodness! 10/10/10! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!? WHAT DOES IT MEAN?! well, It means that this is the 2010 year we've recorded, and it's October 10th. lol, Just pointing out the obvious. so this won't happen again for.. another 100 years right?.. I think so. but then again, we wont see 09/10/10 for another hundred years too. So, why do we all find today's date so fascinating? who knows. I think it's pretty cool too though, I'll admit. Should this day be a national holiday? I guess for most people, it wouldn't matter anyway because it falls on a Sunday. Let's save the national holiday for next year, 11/11/11. National wish as many times as you want day ;)