I’ve gone through many seasons in life
where I’ve felt lonely. I could be surrounded by people every day in middle
school, or high school, and feel alone. What a horrible feeling.
I feel amidst another one of those seasons.
I could go through all the people I have and where I feel like our
relationships are at. But I won’t bother. Because it’s true, I feel alone. I
see people everyday; some days more than others. A lot of days I even spend a
majority of my day talking to people.
But I’ve realized that feeling lonely isn’t
about the lack of people that you talk to everyday. It stems from the lack of
pure relationships you are apart of. Shallow conversation won’t fill your
heart. And my heart isn’t full.
I realize that this is mainly my own fault,
and I’ll take responsibility for it. I isolate myself from my family; I avoid
meeting new meeting, or going to social events. I avoid
relationships altogether. And even the relationships I have, I refuse to open
up. I don’t share what I’m going through. I’ll listen to everybody else, but I
won’t share anything about my own life. It's a horrible trait. It bottles up
inside of me, my problems, sorrows, worries, along with everybody else’s that I
listen to. Until it becomes too much, and I don’t even know what the matter is
anymore; there are too many things.
I think over the years I’ve felt
unappreciated. I’m not trying to throw myself a pity party, I promise. But
there were so many times when I was younger where I was cut off mid-sentence,
or ignored completely while sharing. As a sensitive person to begin with, I
began to take those instances to heart. While I’ve never been a ridiculously
chatty person, I did slowly begin to share less and less as time went on. It didn't seem worth it to share, when I never felt heard. However, I
became a good listener, because I never wanted someone to feel the way I had
continuously felt, while they were sharing with me. I never wanted someone to
feel like them sharing their struggles, successes, or story with me, was in
vain.
I also realize how frustrating it can be on
both ends of the relationship to know a person like me. To sit there, and share
something so personal, and receive no input, or relation to what you’ve said
can be, well, annoying. You want to be able to share your thoughts with
someone, and have them share their thoughts back.
Anyway, there’s a song I think about during
this season of life. It’s called “Keep Making Me” by the Sidewalk Prophets. Part
of the lyrics go,
Make
me lonely
So I
can be Yours
'Til
I want no one
More
than You, Lord
'Cause
in the darkness
I
know You will hold me
Make
me lonely
When I first heard this song, I didn’t
understand it. Make me broken? Make me empty, and make me lonely? No thank you.
Why would I ask God to do that to me?
But I get it now. Because as lonely as you
can feel from a lack of human relationships, there is no amount of loneliness
that can compare to the feeling of not having a relationship with God. Or WANT
one for that matter. I’ve definitely been lacking spiritually. I haven’t been
reading my bible, I took a 3-month church hiatus, and I never took time to talk
to God. Talk again about avoiding relationships altogether. Make me lonely God,
so I can be YOURS. And only Yours. Until I don’t want any other relationship,
more than I want a relationship with You. Because I know, that through every
dark season in this life, You, and only You, will carry me through it. You are
the only perfect one, Jesus.
And with You, I will never be alone.
